Letters

I started writing letters to Michael almost immediately after we became friends. Back in 1971, there wasn’t much happening in the way of technology. Besides, I really loved stringing words together, trying to find the perfect ones to express the relentless deluge of verbiage that constantly rushed through my head. While sorting through piles of paper recently, I found an essay I’d written in college for a lit class-the professor commented that I certainly had a wealth of words. Indeed. I talk as much as I write.

Michael and I became best friends when we met in 1971. Neither one of us understood why. One of those instantaneous connections that is inexplicable. For 6 months, we spent hours talking late into the night and I wrote letters as well. Torrents of words that I needed to get out of me and Michael received them all. Sometimes I wasn’t sure if he was really listening, but mostly it felt like he was and when I was finished, I felt peace. After those months of friendship, I left for Europe with two friends. Michael was looking after my dog and he brought her to my parents’ place for a quick last visit before I left for good. My friends and I were driving to New York to get our flight,  and during those hours in the car, I was mulling things over and realized that what I had with Michael was more than friendship. I was pretty sure I was in love and when we stopped for the night in Philly, I called to tell him the news, and he replied, “Far out!” And off I went on my adventure for almost 3 months.

While I was traveling, I practically choked on all the things I wanted to say. I wrote Michael almost every day, in addition to filling pages in my journals. I recorded everything that happened, inside and out. And in each major city, I ran to the American Express office hoping he’d write me back. And he did. On a lucky day, I’d have a fistful of letters from him and my family. Truly a lost art. You could feel the writer in the paper. You could smell them as you pressed these precious missives up against your nose. I even wrote to my dog and she wrote me. That’s what we did for each other.

When Michael died, I started sitting through all of his papers and mine as well. And I found that both of us had saved every letter, every greeting card, every scrap and note that we’d ever written each other. So overwhelming and wonderful. How I missed our exchanges which stretched out over 45 years. What could I possibly do with all the feelings bubbling up inside of me?

The solution was relatively simple. I just kept writing to him. Right now I can’t exactly say how many letters I’ve composed to him since his death. I’m piling them up in notebooks. I know I’ll never get an answer from him. But the purging of all my churning thoughts remains the relief it always was. Some day I might publish the collection. Today,  I decided to share a particularly prescient one that I wrote him on July 10, 1997. I still feel the same as I did when I wrote it.

Michael

In my head I see your profile Because I’m next to you, as usual. Thinking of what we’ve done. Births. Surgeries. Deaths. Lies. Fears. Insecurities. Joy. Companionship. Passion. Tenderness. Excitement. Longing. Everything.

With more to come. It sneaks up on you. Year after year. The great love of your life, your best friend. The blurry lines between you and me and me and you.

I made the right choices. I did the best for me.

Right now our children are coming home from a trip. Haven’t seen them in six days or so. Haven’t seen you in four hours. I miss you more.

Will you be coming to sit on my bed in the middle of the night if you should die before me? The way my mother says my father comes to hers?

Renee

Who knew, right? I’m glad I didn’t.