Bone Tired

I think I’ve been bone tired for years. Maybe going all the way back to April, 2012 when Michael was diagnosed with cancer. Sometimes you just don’t notice how the stress of daily life gradually encroaches on your sleep, until suddenly you realize that your circadian rhythms have disappeared and that you sleep like an infant, waking up every few hours. Or maybe as in my case, like a hospital resident on call, popping up, alert, ready for anything. Through these years, anxiety, fear, and too many deaths have left me tired. The last four, from Donald Trump’s surprise election which encompassed Michael’s decline, death and my grief, have been the most exhausting. The political arena has taken up residence in my head, each day bringing some new fury or terror or outrage. Then finally, the recent election arrived. After days of tension, finally I believed this administration might actually be over. Plenty of problems ahead, but a lot less lunacy and darkness. I started wondering what I would do with the newly freed space in my mind, when I would barely remember all the toxicity of what would soon be behind me, along with everyone else who felt similarly. Alas. I didn’t think a magic wand would immediately erase all the complex issues grown during this dark time. But I expected to be slightly less preoccupied with the daily side show of this wretched lying narcissist, his corrupt party and his throngs of blind followers. I was wrong. I can scarcely stand watching myself proceed as if nothing has changed at all. Engulfed all day long by the latest outrages of the most abnormal president in my lifetime. This nightmare hasn’t ended by a long shot. These people aren’t going anywhere. At least not yet. For me there has to be a way to stop the obsession and hyper vigilance with them that has left me so utterly spent.

Today, as I have for months, I headed outside. Where I live, fall has been beautiful and long. I started out wandering through my yard looking at the colors which will soon fade. There is always my fascination with the sky and the clouds to distract me from the relentless grind. This afternoon, I picked up my grandson as I have regularly during the pandemic, to give him a break from being stuck at home all the time these past 8 months. Kids are struggling with the limited life required by social distancing and online education as much if not more than adults. A worrisome long term mental health concern. We headed for the countryside, knowing that winter weather may limit our little field trips. I’m done with words today. Instead I’m turning to sharing photos of a simple lovely day from afternoon through dusk. Sinking into the gifts of nature truly soothes the soul.

Now some rest for me. I hope these shots help you as much as they helped me.

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